The Middle of Starting Over

Photo taken by my sister, Hayley.

That's probably the best way to describe my current life status. I am in the middle of starting over. 

Time and time again I have reached the point where I feel like giving up, and have just craved a change in scenery. I've hit the invisible wall, fallen over the invisible hurdle, and have felt trapped inside the invisible box.

For years, I have had no real sense of what I want to do in life. I went to Miami University for a year, and then a local community college for a semester before I went to do my Disney College Program. At each school, I finished my time there with a very respectable GPA. I have finished required general education credits, which is a nice feeling, but that is where the sense of academic accomplishment stops.

Friends that I graduated high school with had a plan, and have stuck to it! They are on schedule to graduate from their respective schools with whatever degrees, and then they will all go out into the "real world," that I have been trying to avoid for fear of its brutality to a girl who is incredibly lost without any clear direction. 

As a young kid, if you asked me what my plan for life was, I would spiel something off involving finishing high school, and then going to college and graduating with my degree in 4 years, and going to work in whatever profession my heart felt it was destined for.

I've never felt a huge calling to be one thing, the way some of my friends have. I have said it before, but I just wish I had one particular skill that made it completely obvious what I should do, but alas, I continue to rack my brain, and come up short. 

Truthfully, I have missed the classroom. I miss taking notes and learning in that environment. What I should do then, is get back into the classroom and go back to school, yeah? Agreed, but school costs a lot of money that I don't have to be spending when I don't know where I want to go, or what I want to be studying. 

I want to finish up schooling, but it would be such a toss-up as to what degree to strive for. It would be like throwing a dart in the general direction of the dartboard, while being blindfolded, and just hoping it lands on something, anything. That is how I landed at Miami University. I didn't have the chance to go visit colleges before it was time to make a decision as a high school senior. I chose to go to Miami because my sister was there at the time, and she seemed to enjoy it. I hadn't stepped foot on a college campus, and had to make a decision based on what? The brochures representatives handed out or websites where it appeared every student loved their school, and learning was fun? This didn't give me the excitement and motivation for school that I thought I would have back when I was a young girl.

So yeah... Miami just wasn't for me. It is a great school, and I would recommend it to anyone interested, but I was simply trying to make something work for me that worked for my sister, and that didn't happen. 

After my program with Disney, I didn't immediately return to school like my other program pals, because I didn't have a school to return to. I was, and still am, stuck on the "which school should I go to?" question, that other people could easily answer back in high school.

So what have I been up to since my program? I have been working various jobs, while I have been desperately hoping for something like a vision to come to me in my dreams, answering my questions about school! So far, no luck with that revelation coming to fruition. 

I can't explain how frustrating it is to want to have that passion and motivation, but to not actually have it, and not be able to just develop it all of a sudden.

Apart from the big school question, that I really do get asked by seemingly good-willed people all the time (So, Lauren... when are you going back to school? Have you decided where you will go? Are you taking ANY classes right now?... sigh), life has had its other ups and downs.

I'm starting over, but it is a process, as I'm sure you know. I am in the middle of that process. I just want to see some glimpse of light that will tell me I'm on the right path, or give me some insight on how long of a process it will be. There is no glory in the process.

If you know me personally, you may know more of my personal struggles right now, but I want to share lyrics to a song that has been inspiring me lately. They are lyrics to the song, "Middle of Starting Over" by Sabrina Carpenter. I know that I have spoken a lot about school in this post, but that is only one aspect of the larger picture. I feel like I have really been fighting for a better life these past few years despite constant negativity in this world.

I just want a happy ending. I know it is never easy, and it will not just be handed to me, but I have hopes of even the possibility of a happy ending, and that is enough for me right now.

                                                                      Cast out to sea
                                                                   Drifting with the tide

And no way of finding me

Now that I'm free

Nothing but blue skies

Paradise in front of me

Awake from this dream

I hold my breath and just believe

Tired of all the troubles

They've been wasting my time

I don't wanna fight

Gonna leave it behind

Taking on faith

Now I'm ready to fly

I'm in the middle of starting over

Back to the beginning

Gonna hit rewind

Chance to do it over

Get it right this time

Life gives you pennies

Turn them into dimes

I'm in the middle of starting over

I'm in the middle of starting over

Alone in a room

Tearing down the walls

Painting over scars and bruises

Now this is home

Fill it up with love

And make the best of something new, yeah

As hard as it seems

I hold my breath and just believe

The colors and the stars

Seem a little brighter

Tomorrow isn't far away!

Through the hardest part

I'm working towards a happy ending

What has inspired you lately? Please share with me :)

Wishing you a positive week!

x Lauren                    

*Thank you to my sister, Hayley, for taking the photo used in this post! I was taking photos of her, and then asked her to quickly snap one of me which was nice because I don't have many photos of me! I am usually the one taking the pictures!*