In My Own Little Chair

For as long as I can remember, growing up, I had a picture in my head of what my successful future would look like. It’s funny though, the future is here, and it looks nothing like that picture.

My dreams for the future shifted through various phases. The first phase was one of infinite possibilities. Before I knew what skills I had, and what subjects interested me, I dreamt of being all sorts of things. Any chance I got to act out little scenarios during playtime was spent as a variety of roles. My favorite and probably most visited role was a teacher. I also remember being quite the waitress, chef, gymnast, musician, and dolphin trainer to name a few. Nobody said I couldn’t be anything and everything I wanted to be. As kids in playtime, we were allowed to explore all sorts of possibilities. We could make mistakes and change occupations every few minutes if we wanted.

The next phase was the middle school years. During these years, when people asked me what I wanted to be, my answers varied between lawyer and child psychologist. I have no idea where lawyer came from, and looking back on it now, I laugh because that just does not make sense for me. Child psychologist makes more sense given my childhood and desire to help other people. 

In the years leading up to college, I continued to tell others that I was going to be a child psychologist. I sold that with confidence to anyone that asked. I knew that I wouldn’t end up doing that, but I didn’t have another answer to offer up, so psychology it was!

In my first year of college, I was a declared mass communications major. I know… when did that change of plan happen? I don’t know, but at some point I was honest with myself and moved on. I absolutely loved my communications classes. My classes on media and film were my favorites. I actually enjoyed going to class, and working on those homework assignments.

I then settled on the idea that I wanted to work in entertainment in some capacity. My problem was then choosing whether I wanted to work in film, television, or live theater. I had an equal interest of all three, and I needed to choose one, as education for each varies. Decisions: not my specialty.

I’ve always felt catered for a more creative career, but I didn’t charge confidently in that direction. I was following in the path others trail blazed before me. I felt I needed a different kind of career to legitimatize myself to my family and society. How annoying is that? I went from being anything I wanted to be during playtime to feeling that I couldn’t be what I wanted to be, or even explore a different possibility.

As I’ve talked about before on the blog, I’m not currently in school. Recently, I spent a lot of time with some awesome kids. Nearly every day, I played the role of nanny to children all under 8 years old, and now I spend my days hanging with a new-born. Getting to play again, and play like I am back in those early years where everything was exciting, and possibilities were endless has been very refreshing. I’ve discovered that freedom again and am learning to apply it to my life now.

I don’t have to be my siblings or my parents. I spent years trying to make other people’s plans work for me, and they just don’t, and that’s okay. I’m working on trail blazing my own path now. It’s not as smooth as I’d prefer it to be, but it’s happening. I still have possibilities and chances to explore like I had as a child. Taking this time off of school has allowed me to see this.

I’m sitting in my own little corner of the world in my own little chair (a la Rodgers + Hammerstein’s Cinderella) and I can be whatever I want to be. It’s possible.

x Lauren



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